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Fast Food That Sucks Ass #3: Rice
Hey foodies,
I’m in a horrible mood today (and have been for the past week or so) and we all know what that means…Fast Food That Sucks Ass!
Today’s fast food that sucks ass is a little, shall we say, niche. You don’t find rice at 80% of fast food restaurants, the main exceptions being Mexican/Fexican restaurants (i.e. Taco Bell, Chipotle) and Chinese restaurants (i.e. Panda Express). That is because 80% of fast food restaurants are smart and have discerning palates.
However, when one does end up at a rice-serving establishment…g-d be with you, my friend. Rice has a “ruins everything it touches” quality sort of like coleslaw – however, unlike coleslaw, rice can be picked off like fleas from a farty monkey’s back. When rice is added to a meal, it makes the meal suck. Take for instance, A Burrito.
A burrito is comprised of wonderful elements like beef and peppers and sauce and cheese…and then there’s the ugly friend, Rice, ruining the whole damn thing. Why does rice ruin a burrito, you’re asking?
The Taste
Rice doesn’t taste like anything. It is the most flavorless food item ever. Have you ever eaten plain rice? No soy sauce, no spices, just unadulterated BORING. “But what about chicken fried rice, Briana” you might ask. “SHUT UP. NO. IT STILL TASTES LIKE SHIT,” I reply. “Briana, have you ever added steamed veggies or teriyaki to your rice?” “SHUT THE FRESH HELL UP, GAYWAD, IT STILL SUCKS.”
The Texture
Even if you add freaking corn syrup to rice (bless you, corn syrup), it still has that annoying maggot texture. It has the texture of mildly-hardened Jello; of softened teeth fillings; of plastic. Rice is the antithesis of the CGC in terms of texture: it is so plain, so horrible, so unabashedly vanilla (without even the joyful taste of vanilla), and just so sucky.
Rice and Beans
A lot of my friends embrace their post-graduation poverty and one of the staples of post-graduation poverty, I’ve learned, is rice and beans. I will never be poor if only because it is fundamentally impossible for me to be in a position where I have to eat rice. Rice and beans is quite possibly the worst meal in the world. I don’t care that it only costs $2 to make. You know what else only costs $2? A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER, THAT’S WHAT. I don’t care that one bowl of rice and beans is enough to feed you for three months. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SUBSIST OFF OF SOMETHING THAT IS BASICALLY MAGGOTS AND FART-INDUCERS?
Sushi
I know I’ll probably get the most flak from this one, but you know what? I don’t care. Sushi makes no sense to me.Why wrap raw fish in seaweed and then cover it in rice? How about I wrap dog crap in garbage and cover it in fleas? WILL YOU EAT THAT?
I know this post might be somewhat offensive. As offensive as a fast food blog can get, that is. But I’m in a really bad mood, foodies. Grant me my forum to rant.
I feel like listening to this song every time I think of rice.
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Written by Briana
Briana Severson is a fast food aficionado and graduate of NYU with a degree in Abnormal Psychology & Creative Writing. A South Carolina native, Severson spends her days pining for Zaxby's spicy fried mushrooms and her nights sleeping.
Filed under: Fast Food, Fast Food That Sucks Ass · Tags: chinese takeout, chipotle, fast food that sucks ass, panda express, rice, taco bell
5 Responses to "Fast Food That Sucks Ass #3: Rice"
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Briana
Briana is a fast food aficionado and graduate of NYU with a degree in Abnormal Psychology & Creative Writing. A South Carolina native, she spends her days pining for Zaxby's spicy fried mushrooms and her nights sleeping.
Mary
Wait … so, do you not eat burritos? Or do you eat burritos … WITHOUT THE RICE? Either scenario is terrifying.
[...] not much of a boat-rocker. Unlike Briana, who is quick to hurl barbs at delicious things like rice, dark meat, and Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, I can generally compromise and consume pretty much [...]
In general agreement with thee oh word writer of inestimable good taste.
However, I, the Disgruntled One and Coot-like is compelled to NO!!!!!!! not disagree with thee but to declare that I have partaken of a few rice-included concoctions that made me quiver and salivate in a delightful manner with the most extreme event occurring long ago….
At the China Fleet Club in Hong Kong.
1975.
Sat in the cafeteria-type portion of the multi-story building and stared at a menu laden with Chinese writing and English translations.
Much was unfamiliar so I asked the continuously smiling chap who may have been a veteran of a Mao-encouraged Long March to recommend a meal.
He bowed and scurried off, returning a few minutes later with an enormously HUGE platter of brown rice with MANY ingredients within and upon the rice that was likely fried as part of its preparation process.
I poked through it and found many vegetable types; some identifiable, some not.
The same was true for the deceased critters that had been carved into bite-sized chunks.
Chicken, beef, fish and shrimp and other critters.
The whole comprised of MANY components was very tasty. Best rice concoction I have ever eaten.
Nothing similar or semi-similar I ate elsewhere later ever was as good, as yummy, as satisfying.
Unsure why that particular rice was extra yummy.
Rice type? Preparation method? Spices used?
One of those or more or all?
Whatever it was nothing afterwards was as good.
Cost? One USA dollar converted to local money.
Incredible!!!!!!!!!
There have been a very few satisfying fried rice meals in the USA that were good but far from great with most just so-so or blah or uggghhhhhh.
And, overpriced for what was received.
Shanty-based attempts at creating my own fried rice with lots of ingredients added have been futile.
And those attempts included using various added spices but I could never create fried rice Nirvana.
Perhaps those futile efforts assisted in expanding my perpetual Disgruntlement.
I still enjoy my mashed/smashed/au gratin/scalloped/baked in various ways/etc potatoes but being forced to greatly reduce tater consumption has definitely increased my Disgruntlement Level.
Sniff.
It’s okay if you don’t rice. A lot of people don’t
But you’re basically mocking the people who like rice
This is very insulting
Talk about ignorance, No one likes the same types of foods. That doesn’t mean the food you like is better than other types. It depends on your taste and preferences. Oh I see see that you’re from South Carolina…well that explains it. Not point of wasting my opinion here then.